Don’t Just Say Yes, FEEL YES!
Well interestingly this week I have come across the difference between saying yes and feeling yes and what it is like if you say yes to everything. The question is how often are we saying yes but feeling no and what we are putting out is not congruent with what we really feel and want. But what if we felt yes to everything, what would change. My blog today goes into the beliefs that were stopping me and holding me back, in all aspects of life, including love & career and how that can change and how I got to Don’t just say yes, FEEL YES!
I think I need to explain how I got there in the first place, I recently was looking at an underlying belief, I had been feeling alone and not supported in many ways which I often went to over the course of my life and so this day I was determined to get to the core belief and I came to “No-one is coming?” Now from my experience this belief stems back to a baby who is crying in their crib wanting someone to pick them up and love them and although we may not have a conscious memory of this our body definitely does hence the belief that is running havoc in my life. The belief that no one is coming then stems in to more beliefs that often run our lives like, ‘I have to do it on my own’, ‘I am alone’ & ‘I am not supported’.
Now I was a sick baby who had colic and often cried a lot and we all know how that can affect any parent so this is not a blame story it is a fact story that even though my parents were loving and kind there where moments while I was a baby that I probably felt alone as I am sure everyone did. It is during this time that we develop a certain way we then attach in relationships in life. I am what one would call angry resistant attachment (Stan Tatkin’s is a specialist in this area and his book, ‘Wired for Love’ goes into these in a bit more depth in laymen’s terms, although angry resistant is an attachment theory that came later, it will give you an idea). I often wondered what a baby would be thinking when they are crying to no avail and no one would come due to what ever reason, a parent may have come ten times prior and nothing seemed to have worked, it may only have been a minute but that minute established certain ego dynamics and defences, it established who I was, until now. I have done a lot of work on my childhood development and this is not the only factor that makes me like I am, events in my life affect this and they all tie together but I am focusing on this because of this one core belief that seems to be running the show in a deep way. Well I am 39, so I feel 39 years is long enough.
So now in adult life this belief that ‘no-one is coming’ comes into play in my intimate relationships, my relationships with my clients, how I feel about my workshops and there are many more, when I looked at this it went into all aspects of my life. An example of this was with a workshop I recently wanted to run that just wasn’t filling up and at the same time I had a week of minimal clients and clients kept cancelling, I started to get annoyed, which wasn’t my normal reaction as I do try to practice flow but I was getting to a low point and feeling like I didn’t have support and I was alone in my business and life in general, I had been watching people around me be supported by loving partners in their businesses and I was here doing it on my own. It wasn’t until I looked at the actual belief, no-one is coming that I realised how deep it was imbedded into my body and life. WOW! Who knew what was about to come!
So here I was now using ‘The Work of Byron Katie” with my own Eiran twist on how it fits into my life and how deep it can really go, I use the work techniques but have other techniques that I combine with it to really delve deep into the process. Clearly, I am at a point I really need to get to the bottom of this.
I always ask myself when did I first believe this thought? I think it is a pertinent question when we are delving into core beliefs, sometimes a belief we have stems from our family system so it is good to check where this really came from and as I am constellation facilitator I often blend this into my belief work also. This one how ever was directly sitting with me.
So I established that this belief came from a very young age a baby in the crib, my body started to remember more around this feeling and my nervous system begins to react while I am thinking all of the above and while the core belief is running rampant, yes there where tears. I think at this point it is interesting to note that I have now possibly regressed back to this young age but I am fully conscious of what is going on as my 39-year-old self. I do this in sessions with my client but due to my training it is something I have been able to do with myself and feel safe to do so. I felt it was pertinent to feel that at this point I felt like no one was coming at all, I was stuck where I was and couldn’t go anywhere and I was crying. It started to feel like this is where the black hole I often felt was in me, began at, this was the first time I had left the building search for something external to myself and from here I learnt to do things on my own. My mum mentioned to me the other day I used to be fearless and I had been wondering were this part of me had gone. well due to this feeling it was starting to surface but It wasn’t how I wanted to live, I didn’t want to fight against the fear and I wanted to say yes to it and live.
So let’s get to the pertinent questions, “who would I be if I didn’t believe that thought?” “how does my body react without the thought?” “how does it feel?” Even though I am not a baby anymore our nervous system is programmed to remember what has happened to us and then we build defences to actually protect ourselves from our suffering that started from a belief in the first place. The panic as a baby was prominent but once I removed the thought and I often physically imagine putting it in a box to really move it out of my brain, the feeling was astounding. I felt peaceful, I felt patient, I felt like it made no difference to me if someone was physically there or not and what I knew was that I was connected and I could feel that even if it was just connected to myself that was completely ok and there was also a deep knowing that someone would come. Its interesting, if our beliefs are being formed from the time we are born even though we are not able to voice them, we are learning from the get go, we already at birth want to move out of our present moment to find comfort with another human being because this is what we know being so close to our mother in the womb. Anyway I digress, let me get to the point of this post.
At this point I am feeling at peace, I begin to look at all the place in my life when I feel alone, unsupported and feel like no one is coming and in the end, I am ok with all of it all. No one needs to come because they are not, when I stopped arguing with reality as Katie often says we are at peace and this truly happened. I was ok with not having a partner, not having a workshop full of participants and not having constant support while going it alone with my business. I think this is why I offer my mentoring programs as it gives people a chance to feel some kind of support outside of this.
The ‘FEEL YES’ component; at this point in ‘the work’ we do what is called the turn around’s and this one was brilliant. The usual turn around’s are the opposite of your thought, replacing words, you to you, like I’m not coming and then your thinking, like ‘its my thinking that’s not coming’ when I am thinking about no-one coming. These didn’t really hit the spot on this day but I often turn around words and do the opposite meanings to really get in deep with the belief, get in the nooks and cranny’s. So we started with ‘No – One is coming’ well that turned into ‘everyone is coming’ then to ‘everyone is going’ and then to ‘Yes – One is coming’ and wow what a change that one was. Imagine that if we did everything with the belief that ‘yes – one is coming’, a client, a partner, a child, a job, a full workshop, love or whatever you choose. what an incredible self-serving believe that would be. The feeling in your body knowing that ‘Yes- One is coming’
‘Yes – One is coming’ then turned to ‘Yes life is coming’ and what would it be like if we said yes to it all? How would that change? but what would it be like if we felt yes to it all? yes to life. I was liberated just at the thought and everything felt like it was coming just as it was and I was excited at the prospect even if no one came because life was coming even if no one comes. How exciting is that, we build all of these stories around how it should be and really how it is, is really just amazing.
So say yes but really feel it! Feeling yes actually opens us up to life where we are sure about where are at, by feeling it we are in the present moment and we are feeling yes to our life exactly as it should be. Our life in what ever way it comes. We are experiencing it all no matter what happens when we think something is bad or wrong or not happening the reality is something else is coming that is just as amazing and great and exciting and it is out fixation on what should be that fixates us stopping the flow of life and this can start from a very young age. All that matters in the end, if we are feeling yes, we are connected to the most important person, ourselves. So don’t just say yes, FEEL YES!! It will make all the difference and it makes you stop, breathe, and be in the moment. Give it a try. Often the fear will creep in but if we feel the yes we can feel the fear and give it a place rather than saying no or just saying yes. If we feel the yes life will flow with you not against you.
So for me I have decided that having the courage to Feel YES definitely brings you into the moment and that even if the feeling of yes takes you to a no, a real true no, you will be Open for Life.